grief /ɡriːf/
noun
intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death. "she was overcome with grief"
When I saw the Kinesiologist recently she said she was going to treat me for grief, I said “I am not grieving” to which she said “you might not think you are”. Oh? Well to be hones I didn't really give it a second's thought as I wasn't feeling wobbly but as the last few weeks have panned out I know what she means.
I am coping with a grief, however I am not grieving as in bereavement.
We are all together at home, we are safe and well but I have been feeling something that has unsettled me yet I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was talking about my friend who should have turned 52 on Sunday and I said that her dying taught me so much. Shortly after she died I ripped off that plaster covering up grief that had been there for 36 years and my whole world crumbled. I went back to my childhood when my father died, it was expected he had the big C as it was known in those days. I didn’t realise that the trauma of that grief would burden me for years. When that plaster came off I learnt so much, which has helped me understand what I am feeling now.
I am not writing about bereavement grief in this post. I have however realised that I am going through a period of grief and I know I am not alone. I feel helpless, hopeless, scared, frightened, worried, unsure, tired,uncertain, sad, angry and every other emotion, I am worried about things I don’t know how to deal with, I look at my girls and fear for their education, boredom and mental health. I am scared every time I see an old person. I was walking the other day and an older gentleman fell over, I shouted to him are you OK, rooted to the spot with a sense of fight or flight. He said he was ok and got up, slowly walking off slowly rubbing his hands and shoulder, probably scared to boot. I don’t know what to do in situations that are alien to me. I’m a people person.
There was a post doing the rounds
Introverts, check on your extrovert friends.
They are not OK.
They have no idea how this works.
It’s true, but I’m learning. Bear with me. I will see you safely to the other side and then I will collapse.
I spoke to friends about grief and they all said the same
SAD that her children wont do their GCSEs, A Levels or finish their degree course
ANGRY that she can’t do her job and her pupils will suffer because of it
CONCERNED that her family will explode with cabin fever (actually I think we all are)
TIRED and can’t sleep even though tiredness is crippling
EATING everything (I said I am glad for social distancing in the case, to make light of it)
EMOTIONAL and can’t work out why
STRANGE one who never gets headaches has a dull intermittent headache
CONCERNED about not seeing her parents
RESTRICTED one is loving it as she doesn't have to see anyone but is finding her four walls restrictive
Everyone is feeling something and I now believe that something is grief.
Friends used to laugh at me when I said “don’t worry about the traffic jam until travel time” which was my cack handed way of slowing down their anticipatory panic. I find that if I know where I am emotionally then I’m on a better footing and can take a deep breath and look at the routes, only right now I don’t know if it’s Marble Arch or Tuesday which is causing me grief.
This time, right here right now, is the most peculiar most of us have ever known. We have the world at our fingertips yet the outside world as we knew and loved is out of reach. The freedom we had that we maybe took for granted has been taken away. I understand I really do and I am not angry about that. But I feel all kinds of things, and I now know it’s grief and knowing what it is makes me feel calmer and more accepting.
I’ve rambled I know. You’re not alone, you’re loved and when this is all over we will walk back onto the streets and we will smile at people, and the grief will turn to relief and we will all have learnt something. I just don’t know when.
2. INFORMAL trouble or annoyance. "we were too tired to cause any grief"