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Cold feet, heavy heart and a wobble

Sometimes things hit me and I'm knocked, I wobble, I get cold feet and I find it impossible to get back to centre. Little things that seem easy suddenly become mountains and the well trodden terrain of daily routine appear harder than it should do. I'm in that wibbly wobbly place now and I feel lost. Really lost. My friend has died, the ironing is mounting up, I'm not sleeping, I'm just getting by. Little things are setting me off and I cry at the smallest thing.

I need to apply some emotional first aid, not a sticking plaster to hide the pain but a proper good long look at myself and with a deep breath I need to make some changes, adjustments, tweaks, alterations. I need to live the life I need for myself and my family.

Which is why with a heavy heart I have decided, after many soul searching conversations with sensible friends whose wise words I value, to postpone the Husky Challenge. I didn't want to but I need to be ready and I don't feel ready. I need to think why I'm doing it and what I hope to achieve. I'm doing the Husky Challenge for Charch, Mme Cholet, Sasha, Georgie, Lizzie, Tara, Georgina, but also for me. If I'm not able to get through a day at home surrounded by my creature comforts how can I expect to do it with people I've never met, in extreme temperatures. I can't expect strangers to pick me up and I don't want to hold anyone back or be a burden.

So sadly it's all change and I'll be off to Norway next year. I can imagine a lot of you will read this and think I've done the right thing and I know there'll be at least one person who will recount this with glee. But you don't matter, you've never mattered to me. What matters to me is I do this challenge safely, raise awareness and funds of HeadSmart and The Brain Tumour Charity and I remember my treasured friends who aren't here and most importantly I do it feeling on top of the world.


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