I've not been well.
This year I have had 2 colon operations and spent 4 days on morphine which was great for relieving the pain but not so good for my body or sleep, I've been on heaps of medicines, I get a headache and reach for the medicine cabinet, I don't do enough exercise, I snore, I sniff, I ache, I've got eczema, athlete's foot (I'm no athlete!), I'm emotional yet emotionally detached, I have my 5 a day, I don't drink that much (I gave up for 136 days in January and haven't really got the taste for it again), nothing fits, I avoid mirrors, I'm depressed, I just don't look how I think I should look, I'm anxious, my skin should be better but it looks lifeless, I avoid dressing up functions, I feel sluggish, I look sluggish, I wear clothes to cover up, I have wind, irregular bowels, I am miserable, I am lazy, I am in denial.
I don't want to feel unwell.
I want to feel dazzling and sparkling but it's so hard to find the motivation. I know what to do, I've been on loads of diets, followed loads of plans, given up this food and that food, I used to go to the gym daily (I actually miss it), I know I do this and that but my mind isn't kicking the negative monsters away and each night when I get into bed I promise myself I will be good. 12 years ago my Eating Disorders Counsellor told me, whilst being treated for Bulimia, I was addicted to sugar. I of course did nothing about it. I mean it's sugar it's hardly an addictive substance is it?
In early August I went to see a Kinesiologist and she told me my liver was knackered and I had a yeast overgrowth (Candida is her name) to which I said "ugh". She explained that everyone has this yeast and a lot of people have a yeast overgrowth. I am one of those people. She said "give up sugar" - oh ok that's not bad I can just give up sugar in my ten coffees a day. She actually said "give up anything containing sugar and while you're at it that also means wheat, yeast, caffeine, dairy (eggs are ok), alcohol, some nuts, seeds, fruit (oh for crying out loud) and a long list of vegetables". Grrrrrrrreat and replace them with what exactly?
I went home and looked at the list of what I could eat. Ignored it, ate the malt loaf with marmite, loaded up my cappuccinos, ate the bacon, scoffed the cheese. Until one morning I woke up and smelt the bacon.
The day I took control.
For some reason I weighed myself and was actually sick at the numbers, I am 5' 2" surely I can't weigh that much? Then I measured my waist and again thought I am surely not that much inches, that's not possible! Then I sat down with a glass of wine to watch the Adrian Chiles documentary.
Halfway through the programme and the wine I said to Big W I don't need this, handed him the glass and went to bed vowing that tomorrow Tuesday 28 August 2018 was going to be the day I did something.
Operation Nell Gets Well kicked in.
You can read Chapter Two here