A song came on the radio on Tuesday as I was driving and before I could blink the tears started rolling down my cheeks. Big fat tears of sorrow, loss, sadness, anger, pity. It wasn't even a song I would associate with her, but today for some reason the words "somewhere only we know" struck a chord. Once upon a time we lived in each other's pockets, talked long into the night, had snatched chats, rambled on about nonsense in between the days of our lives and her dying.
She's gone. She's no longer here. Not in my kitchen, her kitchen, on the phone or email any longer. Oh the memories are here and the reminders of the funny things we said and did, but not her. It's been 10 months and with each turn of the calendar page the distance between those happy times gets further away. The cavernous enormity of loss is painful and slowly I am, as her family are, rebuilding my life without her, missing her voice screeching "you're dreadful Muriel".
A life that is so much sadder without her in it but so much richer for her having been in it. It's at times like this with tears pouring down my face that I treasure our happy times and thank my lucky stars that she was a huge part of my life for so long.
Things will get easier, they will, and I'll be able to remember her in a silent and thoughtful way, but Tuesday wasn't that day.